Saturday, July 7, 2012

Discipline

You know how when life is as perfect as it gets yet there’s that 1 small dark spot & that dark spot seems like a black chasm? That’s how this motherhood gig is for me right now.

I need to know how I’m supposed to discipline a 16 month old…Elena hits me…smacks me in the face…she does this when she’s angry, frustrated, doesn’t like what I’m saying…sometimes she does it just to test me, to see what I’ll do…seriously.

How the hell am I supposed to discipline her to teach her this behavior is inappropriate? Don’t tell me to smack her back because I believe that’s counter-intuitive to teaching her not to smack. Don’t tell me to put her in a time out because seriously, how do you have a 16 month old learn a meaningful lesson from a time out? Aside from what I’m doing…sternly telling her it’s not okay & walking away (which isn’t working, BTW)…I’m at a loss.

I need something because I am on the verge of losing it…seriously. When she hits me it takes every ounce of self control to not overreact…it makes me angry…ANGRY angry…see RED kind of angry…scare myself kind of angry…

Then I am thrown to the depths of self-loathing…I feel like an epic failure…for getting so. Very. Angry…I must be doing something colossally wrong if this is how Elena is expressing herself. What am I doing so wrong that Elena is reacting in such a violent way? I know I’m not a bad mother…I do the very best I can. I just question if my best is good enough.

As if I wasn’t feeling awful enough, once the dust has settled after our most recent episode & I’m sitting in our rocker quietly sobbing at my ineptitude as a parent, Elena reaches up, wraps her little arms around my neck & strokes my hair in such a gentle, compassionate way & I have renewed hope that maybe…just maybe…she won’t grow up to be a social delinquent…

20 comments:

  1. Ugh, I was hoping for some helpful comments because I am going through the exact same thing with Chase. He clawed me so bad the other day he drew blood from the underside of my nose. It really hurt! I have had black eyes and yesterday he head butted me with his teeth which bruised my cheek. It's terrible.

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  2. oh, poor you (and the other commenter)! that sounds HORRIBLE!!!

    i haven't endured this with my own child, but I DO work in pediatrics, so I want to say THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! it's just an ugly phase. it does NOT mean your child will be a delinquent, either.

    there's been some posts about this, even today, on the SMC Forum for Toddlers. Might be worth checking out.

    having mean and angry thoughts, even violent ones, is not a crime! it's NORMAL! you are not acting on them, so that's great.

    I think you can hold her little hands, to keep her from hitting you, get down on her level, right in her face, make eye contact, and say "NO HITTING! We do NOT hit people!" Sound stern!

    Then I think it's okay to withdraw a little, to move away from her. These are both natural consequences.

    I don't think it will work overnight, but I do think it will get better.

    Elena is working so hard to figure out how the world works. Unfortunately, testing limits is part of this. But she is counting on you to be consistent in enforcing those limits.

    Big hug. I know this must be terrible. Can you do anything to give yourself a little extra self care during this trying phase?

    Remember, this too will pass!

    (Please remind me of all this when Calliope starts this phase -- Elena has a few months on her.)

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    1. I'm not sure how or where to find the SMC Forum for Toddlers you mean but I'm so glad I wrote this post (I was ashamed to do it) as now I know it's not just me, that many are going thru the same thing & we can't all be bad parents!!

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  3. Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like Elena is exhibiting her independence. Scarlett will throw mini temper tantrums and stamp her feet. She has also hit me while holding her. From day one when she has done that, I have said, "no hitting. Gentle. Nice." Then I take her hands and rub them gently on my face or the place she was hitting. The same with pulling hair. I say, "Don't pull mommy's hair." She understands now and says "pull" as she pretends to pull, and then follows it up with messing up my hair, rubbing it, and saying "nice." I think if you try to keep modelling the proper behaviour over and over again that could help. Maybe even when she isn't hitting, you could take her hands and show her how to make nice.
    If Scarlett's behaviour ever continues after I have spoken sternly and said "mommy doesn't like that" I will put her down briefly...wait a few seconds, and then speak to her again to try to have her make nice.
    That's all I have. My students at school are in grade 3 and Scarlett is the only baby I really know :) Please keep us posted on the progress.
    Please don't beat yourself up...Elena will still grow up to be loving and gentle...you are raising her wonderfully.

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    1. Thank you so much for this advice! I have now started talking with Elena about "Gentle & Nice" even outside of a heated angry moment, I hadn't thought of that before but it makes so much sense.

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  4. At this age, its more them than us. This is what I like to tell myself. Their first reaction is to lash out and hit sometimes or to see how far we'll let them go and it is rage inducing. It's what you do with that rage that's the thing. You're doing well. I read that this age is one of the hardest.

    With J, I always grab his hands and tell him no that is not ok. We do not hit (or throw things). Then I give him something else to do with his hands if he's just fighting for no reason. If he doesn't want to do it or it doesn't work out, I walk him (or carry him) to a spot where he can lash out on his own or sit or however he ends up dealing with it. I walk away but make sure he can see me and he can hear me talk him down if he needs it. I prefer not to hold him down or anything like that which is what timeout would be right now. Tried that too. Yeah a 16/17 month old in timeout doesn't work. At least not here. If I told him to do something though I take him right back when he's calm and we try it again with me maybe saying or doing something a little different. This is as far as I gotten in the whole discipline thing. I hear you loud and clear though. These little ones are giving us a hard time, right?

    I have found that with J signing/pointing more, he's not as rough all the time or as much as he has been before. We have daily tantrums with him melting, trying to throw things but its sometimes a little easier to put a stop to when I can ask him what he wants and he points or signs please. Doesn't always end well but I think giving him a way to tell me has helped us.

    We'll look back and laugh when they're 16, I'm sure :/

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    1. So so true about giving Elena a safe place to express her anger...you made me realize that it's not the emotions she's feeling that are wrong but the way she's expressing them that's unacceptable & I feel better have a game plan. Thank you so much!

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  5. Oh and girl, please! She is not going to grow up anything less than a sweetheart cause your best is good enough and that is very clear in your last paragraph. You really are raising her well.

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  6. I have started to worry about this too, at 11 months, Chloe already smacks us in the face a little bit. Now is when we actually have to start being parents and start to teach them things and discipline, and it scares the crap out me that I may not do it right. It does sound like you are handling things as best as you can at this age, and just being consistent will probably go a long way. I think Little One above had some good suggestions, I'll have to remember those.

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    1. So true that now e actually have to start parenting & it scares me too! It's a relief to know that others are experiencing the same issue, reassuring me that it's a kid phase & not me being a bad parent.

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  7. It's definitely not something you said or did. She is a toddler and doesn't so much know how to express anger.
    What I try to do is two things:
    1. Try and catch her hand before the hit occurs and with my aid gently touch me, saying that in our house we do not hit, rather we do nice.
    2. Knowing she does need an outlet, give her something she CAN hit like a pillow and tell her that she can hit the pillow but not people.

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    1. Very good advice, thank you. I feel like I have a renewed patience having received all of this good advice & support.

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  8. Well, no personal experience to draw from, but it appears many kids go through this phase in their 2s, in unique ways. One of my donor's kids bites/smacks himself when he is angry/frustrated, and of course its super upsetting to the mom. I googled and apparently, this is one of the many common patterns exhibited around that age. My baby brother would bite everybody who pissed him off (anybody female who ever spoke to my mother), people to this day still talk about how afraid they were of him at that age.

    Grabbing her before the slap happens and maintaining that hold while talking to her about it does seem like a good idea.

    And yes, her behavior after you started crying clearly shows that you should have no long term worries!

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    1. It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone & that a lot of kids go thru this, I was feeling so alone & at a loss as to what to do.

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  9. I don't have any experience either or words of wisdom but I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know what a terrific mom you are! You're doing a great job and Elena is a beautiful, sweet little girl (99% of the time!)

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    1. Thank you, Michaela...it means more to me than you know.

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  10. We have a bit of that in out household as well... No hitting as of yet but Elsie bites. We'll be sitting around and she'll put her open mouth on my leg or arm and then slowly start closing her mouth. She just laughs and laughs when I say 'No' or 'Ouch'. I've found that MY body language seems to get the point across more than the words right now. I frown and give her the 'evil eye' while I say 'no'. And walk away. Just far enough that she can't get her mouth on me. :)

    I've also started sign language with Elsie which seems to help the frustration a bit. I got the first Baby Signs DVD and we watched it for the last week or so. I've seen her sign 'more' and 'food' now and I make sure she gets 'more' or 'food' right away then!

    But you are a great mom and she is just 'doing her job' (as an aunt once told me) of testing boundaries. You just have to stick with your 'job' of setting and enforcing those boundaries.

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  11. I remember being surprised (with both my children) that 15-18 months were the hardest when it came to behavior. People who talk about the terrible two's are off by at least a half year. Hang in there--it gets better really. Oh, then they turn 3 (or 5) and it gets worse. But don't think about that right now ;-)

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  12. Ugh. Finn does this, too. But not always when mad, sometimes he does it and laughs. I've tried a lot of the suggestions that the other posters have suggested and it had helped - particularly with decreasing how often he does it when he's mad.

    He bit me one time about a month ago - I picked him up and he got mad and put his head down on my shoulder and bit, hard. I put him down on the floor and very sternly said, "NO, you do NOT bite Mommy!" and I walked away. Since then he has opened his mouth and almost bitten me numerous times, but hasn't actually done it again. Amazing how well it worked...come to think of it, I should try that the next time he hits me!

    Oh, the single mom forum that Abby was talking about is at the Single Mother's By Choice website: http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

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  13. I have no experience as a parent with this (yet) but I wanted to tell you that I worked as a nanny for 12 years for various families and many, many babies go through this stage. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It means Elena is a normal, developing almost toddler!

    Let yourself cry and vent when you need to. And THANK YOU for finding me! I love that you're so local!

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